


What They Know

by slightlykylie



Category: Parable Series - Octavia E. Butler
Genre: Chromatic Yuletide 2012, Gen, Misses Clause Challenge, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlykylie/pseuds/slightlykylie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>None of them know what Allie's going through after Jill dies, but all of them know about pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What They Know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yvi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yvi/gifts).



> This is a conversation between Zahra and Allie after Jill dies, and it's slightly AU -- in the book Allie seems to snap back to life pretty quickly after Jill's death, thanks to Justin, but in this fic it takes a bit longer, and the conversation takes place the second day after Jill died. It's a kind of like a deleted scene on a slightly different timeline. Hope you enjoy!

_What They Know_

 

                When Allie had refused to speak for two days, Zahra went to walk with her.

                When she found Zahra beside her, Allie gave her one dead-eyed look, then turned her gaze back to the road a few feet before her.  She’d been withdrawing more and more since Jill’s death; even Justin, who’d seemed to be a help to her in the first day, had been taken over by the group when Allie had withdrawn into herself completely, seeming not to hear or see Justin or anybody else.  As the group watched Zahra join Allie, they wondered what she thought she could do that the rest of them hadn’t, but they let her go.

                After she and Allie had been walking together for ten minutes or so, Zahra spoke.

                “I lost a sister too,” she said.

                Allie jerked her head around to look at Zahra. Zahra didn’t say any more, waiting her out.

                Finally Allie said, “How?”

                Zahra shrugged.  “We were kids – 13 and 15.  Living on the streets. The rest of my family wasn't worth shit, you know, but Jayce... we looked out for each other, you know?" _I know_ , Allie thought, but she didn't speak. Zahra was going on: "Anyway, my mama was a drug addict.  She ripped off a dealer.  He killed Jayce to send a message – to Mama and to anybody else who might be stupid enough to try the same thing.”  Zahra strove to keep the casual expression on her face, in her voice – even if it might have helped Allie to see Zahra’s own pain, Zahra wasn’t ready to show it.  “Mama sold me to Richard a few months later, to get me the hell out of there.  At first I didn’t know who I hated more, her or him. After awhile I got used to him.  I never really got used to what happened to Jayce, though.  Even now.”

                Allie opened her mouth as if to respond to this, then closed it again. After a minute she seemed to decide to ignore what Zahra had said about her sister.  “Your mother sold you to… who?”

                “Richard.  My husband.  She sold me to him and he married me.  I was his third wife.”

                “How did the other ones die?  Did he do something to them?”

                Zahra glanced over in surprise.  “No.  They were still alive.  There were three of us, all married to him.”

                “Jesus.”

                “It wasn’t that bad.  He had money – some, anyway.  And there were walls around our little neighborhood -- safer than the streets. And I had my Bibi after awhile, and she was enough to hold onto.  He might’ve been my husband, but he was never much like family to me.  Jayce was my family before.  Then Bibi was my family.”

                “She died,” Allie said.  It wasn’t a question – the broken tone of Zahra’s voice made it clear.  “She was your daughter?”

                “My baby.”  Tears were leaking down Zahra’s face now, her false nonchalance lost.  “They threw her in the fire.  The paints.   My sister got killed because of drugs.  Then my Bibi.”

                “Like my Adam.”  Allie spoke in a whisper.

                “Your baby?” Zahra said, wiping tears from her face in a fierce swipe. 

                “Yes.  My baby.  Adam.  He was one.  My father killed him.”  Suddenly Allie broke, letting loose a torrent of tears.  “First Adam, now Jill, and they were everything I ever had.  _Everything_. _”_

                Zahra reached out for Allie’s hand.  “I know.”

                Allie jerked her hand away, suddenly furious.  “No, you don’t!  Why are you saying that?  Why the hell are you even here?  You don’t know!”  It was almost a scream. “So your mother took drugs, but was she whoring you out?  Did she bring men in to you and your sister every goddamn night?  Did she lock you in your room between the guys she sent in?  Did she sometimes get too drunk to remember you were in there and let you starve for two or three days at a time?   Did they ever make you and your sister… sleep with… the same guy at the same time to get your mom some bonus cash?  You go through that with your sister and still love her the same way at the end of the day, you know you can get through anything with her. Did your mom kill your baby with her fists?  Did you have to burn her to get away?  How the _hell_ would you know? How would you know anything?  Fuck you!”

                Zahra stayed quiet for a long time, almost ready to turn back and go join the rest of the group, leave Allie alone again.  Because Allie was right.  How the hell would she know about any of that?

                But she couldn’t quite leave Allie alone.

                “Yeah.  I don’t know any of that,” she said after a long pause.

                “Jill was the _only_ one who knew all that.  The only one!  What am I supposed to do without her? Why shouldn’t I…”  She broke off there suddenly.

                “Kill yourself,” Zahra filled in.

                Allie gave her a stunned look.  “How did you know that?  How can you…”

                Zahra sighed.  “I don’t know about how your life was, but I know how mine was.  You think I never thought about it?  You think half the people here haven’t thought about it?  You’re kidding yourself.  I lost my family too, all of them.  Emery’s boys got sold for whores, after her and her kids all got slaved and kicked around for years. And you only got to take one look at that Mora guy to know something’s wrong about his life.”  Suddenly Zahra realized what she’d forgotten – strange thing to forget.  “Lauren.  Her family.  Four brothers, her father, her stepmother.  All dead.”

                “Lauren?”  Allie said in surprise.  “She lost her family too?”

                “She lost them.  They burned.  They burned in the fire that killed my Bibi.  All of them burned.”

                “She was walking with me yesterday.  She wanted to talk.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t think she’d understand.  She… doesn’t seem like she knows what it’s like.  To lose everything.  Your family, your home. She… doesn’t seem like she knows.”

                Zahra sighed.  “She didn’t lose everything.  Her whole family, but not everything.  She’s got her Earthseed.”

                “That cult thing.  I don’t get it.”

                “I don’t either, much.  But I know she holds onto it.”

                “And what am I supposed to hold onto?” Allie demanded.  “So you thought about killing yourself, but you didn’t do it.  Why shouldn’t I do it?”

                “You have Justin,” Zahra said.

                Allie snorted.  “Justin?  He’s not mine.  We found him a week ago.  Why should I care about him?”

                “Don’t know why you should, but I know you do.  Don’t try and lie about it.”

                Allie let a moment go by, then sighed.  “You’re right.  I don’t know why I care about him either.  Why he… matters.  I lost Adam.  I lost Jill.  I’m stupid for letting some other kid matter.”

                “It’s not stupid if it keeps you alive.  Keeps both of you alive.  You matter to him too.  You want to kill his mom again, go ahead and kill yourself.”

                “That’s not fair!”

                “Yeah, well.  Not much is.”

                “I don’t know if I can do it,” Allie whispered.  “Without Jill.  I don’t know.”

                 After a second, Zahra spoke. “We can help,” she said. “None of us knows about the shit you and Jill went through, but we all know about pain.  Talk to us.”

                “That’s your answer?  I lost my sister, so talk to a bunch of strangers?”

                “You want to keep us strangers, keep on ignoring us. But none of us are strangers here.  Can’t afford it.  We don’t trust each other, we get killed.  And… not just by other people, gangs or paints or random guys with hard-ons and guns.”

                “Not just by them…?”

                “I already told you, what you’re thinking about, a lot of us have.  We need people to stay alive.  We trust each other. We care about each other.  And we make it through.”

                They were both silent for a long moment, thinking it through.

                After a minute Allie said, “I thought for a second you were going to tell me you’d be my sister now.  That you’d all be my sisters.”

                Zahra snorted.  “Shit, no.  How dumb do you think I am?  No one can do that.  And it ain’t gonna go away.  Just… you’re better with us than without us.  You’ll make it if you stay with us.”

                A long pause.  Finally, her voice low, Allie replied, “Okay.”

                “Okay.”  Zahra breathed a sigh of relief.  “You want to go get Justin now?  Natividad can’t handle him and Dominic both for too much longer.”

                Allie nodded, and they returned to the group behind them. 


End file.
